


At the Bottom of the River Between Loneliness and Misunderstandings

by thatonedudewiththename



Category: Jacksepticeye RPF, Markiplier RPF, MarkiplierGAME RPF
Genre: Angst, Attempted Suicide but not really, Lots of Angst, M/M, Septiplier - Freeform, post-pax east fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 15:58:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3535415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatonedudewiththename/pseuds/thatonedudewiththename
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Really, he should be used to being alone, but after being with Mark for an entire weekend, the emptiness was too heavy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Original End

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to Brand New and La Dispute while writing this, so...  
> Mix to go with: http://8tracks.com/thatonedudewiththename/you-me-us

Entering his house was like walking into one of those silent rooms, and it weighed on Sean as though he had sacks of flour over each shoulder. Tears pricked at his eyes and a burning built up in his throat as the deafening silence ate away at him until he couldn't take it anymore, almost running to his office and to his computer, turning it on and then playing some of his heavy metal extra loud in an attempt to chase away the quiet.  
He rested his shaking hands on his desk and stayed there for a while, head hung low, tears dripping out of his eyes and onto his Vans. "Shit..." He hissed, voice trembling. Standing up straight, he quickly and somewhat violently wiped his tears away. He turned and left his office, making for the front door- where he'd left his luggage- and taking his bags to his bedroom to unpack. Usually that'd take him a month, but right now... right now he needed a distraction. To get his mind off of... things.  
The smiling face of Mark Fischbach immediately popped into his mind, causing Sean to break down; he'd fucked it up. He'd been giving the greatest opportunity in the world, and he'd fucked it up. Regret hung over his head like a cartoon raincloud- he could almost feel the cold, needle-like droplets of water on his head and shoulders.  
He'd wanted to do so much more with Mark. He'd wanted to hug him, have a deep, meaningful conversation with him, tell him how much he means to him... Blushing, Sean realised what he'd just thought and chuckled a little nervously, tugging comically at the collar of his hoodie. "Yeah, that didn't sound gay at all, Sean." He said aloud to himself. He sighed as he finished throwing his dirty clothes in the hamper, standing in the middle of his room feeling like shit. He was too tired for this bull, so, he kicked off his shoes, shimmied out of his jeans, and then fell onto the available area of his bed not occupied by his suitcases and fell asleep.

It was hours until he woke again, curled up in a ball, eyes puffy and sagged; he'd been crying in his sleep, though over what he couldn't remember.  
He'd hoped that sleeping would help him feel better, but it only made the still emptiness more present. In his office, his computer had gone to sleep, so the lack of sound only worsened the loneliness pulling his body to the ground like a magnet. It was awful. He just wanted to lay in bed and never wake up maybe. Yeah, that sounded like good idea. So he did just that, taking out his phone and bringing up Tumblr on the app, scrolling through his dash briefly before searching his tag. Lots of PAX East stuff, of course, some thank you's that made him smile a bit, some art- oh. A dark flush spread across his face at the sight of septiplier fan art. Usually it didn't faze his too much, but today... it was a little too much. He closed out and tossed his phone away before bringing his hands up to cover his face, more tears rolling out of his sea blue eyes to darken the bedspread. This whole thing... everything happening right now was just... too much. He'd never been like this before, like... What was going on? "Come on, Sean," He croaked. "You should be usedta being alone by now."  
But it wasn't the loneliness, at least not completely. It was being away from _him._ Sean didn't want to admit it to himself, but in the back of his mind, he knew it was true. Mark was all he could think about; he missed him so much already, it was like a searing coldness in his chest that only hurt more when he remembered the awful way the two of them had said goodbye. Sean squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed them with the palm of his hands so hard he saw stars. "Stop crying, stop crying, you dumbass!" He reprimanded himself.  
Somewhere on his bed, his phone went off, signaling an incoming text. He groaned and felt around half-assed until his fingers finally felt the device and gripped it, bringing it up to his face and unlocking it so he could read the text. He stopped dead.  
It was Mark.  
"Hey!" The text read. "Wanna skype? :P"  
Sean wiped his eyes and replied quickly with, "sure!"  
Getting out of bed, he ran quickly to his computer and woke it up, opening Skype and waiting for Mark to- _brrring!_ Apparently, he'd been waiting, as well. Sean answered the video call and tried to surge as much happiness outward to keep Mark from questioning. But, when his friend's face popped up on screen, smiling and bright, he couldn't do it; tears ran down his cheeks and his smile faltered, lips trembling, thick eyebrows spooned. "Hi," He practically whispered. He looked down at his lap and closed his eyes.  
"Sean, are you okay? What's wrong?" Mark questioned, sounding concerned.  
Sean covered his countenance and shook his head. "I-it's fine, it's nothin'. Just-"  
"No, it's not. Come on buddy, you can talk to me."  
"NO, I _really_ can't." Sean glanced up briefly at the screen, sniffing. "Not about... not about this."  
On screen, Mark's face was all screwed up, his eyebrows dipped, mouth slightly open, eyes sad. "... What is it? Sean... please. I'm here for you."  
There was a loud sob from the Irishman, his hands shaking as they came up to cover his mouth. "I-I-I-" He attempted to speak. "I... I'm so lonely, man. I-I thought that I could.. cope, but..."  
There was silence for a moment before Sean continued. "I miss... you."  
More silence. "O-oh."  
Sean was cringing, his leg bouncing, hands clasped tightly in his lap. Past his watery eyes, he could see Mark rubbing at his own eyes, his other hand holding his glasses. "Uhm," He cleared his throat. "To be honest, I'm... I'm lonely, too. I know, I can't complain 'cause I'm close to friends, but..." He sighed, eyes closed. Sean could see his face reddening. "I wish we could've talked more. Been together more, you know?"  
Sean nodded slowly. "Yeah. There was so much I wanted to say to you."  
"Well," Mark rested his chin on his hand. "Say it to me now."  
A blush crept up onto Sean's cheeks. "Really?"  
"Yeah, why not?" Mark smiled, and Sean felt sunshine in his heart.  
"Ok, I'll try."  
A pause as Sean tried to work out how to say what he felt- it wasn't easy, but he found a way. "So, I've... I've looked up t'ya for a long time, like... You inspired me to start my channel, and you really... make me happy. Like really. I feel so, _wonderful_ inside just lookin' at you. You're such a great person, Mark, I can't really put in words how I feel about you, other than..." Sean chewed his bottom lip. "I love you."  
The seemingly endless moment of quiet made Sean's gut twist and his chest ache; he wanted to hide in a corner, refusing to look at the monitor. After some time, Mark finally spoke. "I didn't..." There was the sound of swallowing. "Sean, I don't know what to say."  
"That you don't hate me?" Sean tried to joke.  
Mark huffed an airy laugh. "I could never hate you,"  
Inside, Sean felt his heart swell, but then what Mark said next sent it crashing to the ground. "But I don't think of you that way. I love you, but as a friend. Ok?"  
Tears came pouring out of Sean's eyes, his entire body shivering and his throat closing up. 'This was a mistake, this was such a mistake.' Repeated over and over in his head until he couldn't take it any longer and yelled, "I'M SORRY!"  
The last thing he heard before he shut off his computer was Mark crying out for him, but he didn't wait; running out of his office, he stumbled halfway to his bedroom before collapsing in the doorway and wailing. 

+

It had been a week since Sean had confessed his love for Mark, and the half-Korean hadn't heard a word from him since. Not a peep on social media, not a single video, no texts, emails, nothing. Mark was seriously beginning to worry- he had no way of contacting Sean other than through electronics, and since Sean wasn't responding on any of those, he had no choice but to fly to Ireland to check on his friend.  
Mark really hadn't meant to hurt him, but he had to be honest with him about his feelings. He didn't want to come between Sean and his girlfriend, you know? The thought only made him feel worse, in light of the circumstances.  
Sighing, he pulled up in front of Sean's place and went up to his door, knocking on it lightly. He waited before knocking again, but after the third time, he tried the doorknob.  
Unlocked.  
A heavy feeling rested in the bottom of his stomach- it was almost painful. Mark steeled himself, and then opened the door, allowing it to swing slowly open to reveal the dark, quiet area within. "Hello?" He called. "Sean?"  
No response, so he entered tentatively, stepping as lightly as he could through the empty living room, kitchen, and office, until he heard a squishing sound under his foot in front of the last room in the hallway. He turned on the hallway light to find a dark stain on the carpet leading into the bedroom- distantly, he heard water running. "Sean? It's Mark!" He called louder, pushing the bedroom door open and walking inside. Creeping along, he made for the bathroom, stopping outside the door. "Sean? I'm coming in, ok?"  
Receiving no response, he went inside and... screamed. In the overflowing bathtub was _Sean,_ head under the water, just floating like a corpse beneath the waterline. Mark raced up to him and pulled him out of the tub, turning off the faucet and then beginning to resuscitate the Irishman. "Wake up! Wake up! Sean!!" Mark yelled, pushing on his chest, attempting CPR. "Sean!!"  
He reached down and pressed his lips to the other's, blowing air, pressing the chest, over and over until Sean finally began to splutter and cough up water through his nose and mouth. "Yes! Thank you God." Mark helped him sit up. "What were you trying to do?!" He asked Sean fiercely.  
Sean looked up at Mark in shame, but also relief. "I don't know... Fock, I don't..."  
Mark hugged him tightly. "Please don't do this to me ever again. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you..."  
Sean frowned. "What-" A cough cut him off. "What d'ya mean?"  
Mark sat back, still holding Sean's shoulders, staring intently into his eyes. "I don't want to lose you. I've already lost enough people I love."  
"You..." Sean furrowed his brows. "But you said..."  
"I said I didn't want to break you and you girlfriend up, not that I didn't like you."  
Confusion clouded Sean's mind; but he was sure Mark had said... Had he imagined that? "Jesus..." He mumbled. "I needta rest..."  
"I'm calling an ambulance. You can rest on the way to the hospital."

Three days later, Sean opened the door to his house no longer feeling empty inside. Behind him, Mark was smiling, hand on the slighter male's side, an air of comfort over both of them.  
Yesterday, he had called his girlfriend and told her that he was breaking up with her. That same day, he started dating Mark. Granted, he would be alone again when Mark flew back to America, but for now, he was just happy to fall asleep in a bed that had more than just himself in it.

 

_Why doesn't anyone I know sleep?_  
_Are they only just scared of visions?_  
_When they lay their heads down at night_  
_What are they haunted by?_  
_Why won't anyone just close their eyes?_  
_Could it hurt them to rest for a while?_  
_Do they need their friend to be a lover_  
_Or a lover to be a friend?_  
_Because_  
_(I'm on my way to hell)_  
_Well, I've tried, God knows that I've tried_  
_(I'm on my way to hell)_  
_One time, two time, three time again_  
\- Noro by Brand New


	2. Alternate End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone (u kno who u r) suggested I do an alternate ending, so here it is!

Entering his house was like walking into one of those silent rooms, and it weighed on Sean as though he had sacks of flour over each shoulder. Tears pricked at his eyes and a burning built up in his throat as the deafening silence ate away at him until he couldn't take it anymore, almost running to his office and to his computer, turning it on and then playing some of his heavy metal extra loud in an attempt to chase away the quiet.  
He rested his shaking hands on his desk and stayed there for a while, head hung low, tears dripping out of his eyes and onto his Vans. "Shit..." He hissed, voice trembling. Standing up straight, he quickly and somewhat violently wiped his tears away. He turned and left his office, making for the front door- where he'd left his luggage- and taking his bags to his bedroom to unpack. Usually that'd take him a month, but right now... right now he needed a distraction. To get his mind off of... things.  
The smiling face of Mark Fischbach immediately popped into his mind, causing Sean to break down; he'd fucked it up. He'd been giving the greatest opportunity in the world, and he'd fucked it up. Regret hung over his head like a cartoon raincloud- he could almost feel the cold, needle-like droplets of water on his head and shoulders.  
He'd wanted to do so much more with Mark. He'd wanted to hug him, have a deep, meaningful conversation with him, tell him how much he means to him... Blushing, Sean realised what he'd just thought and chuckled a little nervously, tugging comically at the collar of his hoodie. "Yeah, that didn't sound gay at all, Sean." He said aloud to himself. He sighed as he finished throwing his dirty clothes in the hamper, standing in the middle of his room feeling like shit. He was too tired for this bull, so, he kicked off his shoes, shimmied out of his jeans, and then fell onto the available area of his bed not occupied by his suitcases and fell asleep.

It was hours until he woke again, curled up in a ball, eyes puffy and sagged; he'd been crying in his sleep, though over what he couldn't remember.  
He'd hoped that sleeping would help him feel better, but it only made the still emptiness more present. In his office, his computer had gone to sleep, so the lack of sound only worsened the loneliness pulling his body to the ground like a magnet. It was awful. He just wanted to lay in bed and never wake up maybe. Yeah, that sounded like good idea. So he did just that, taking out his phone and bringing up Tumblr on the app, scrolling through his dash briefly before searching his tag. Lots of PAX East stuff, of course, some thank you'd that made him smile a bit, some art- oh. A dark flush spread across his face at the sight of septiplier fan art. Usually it didn't faze his too much, but today... it was a little too much. He closed out and tossed his phone away before bringing his hands up to cover his face, more tears rolling out of his sea blue eyes to darken the bedspread. This whole thing... everything happening right now was just... too much. He'd never been like this before, like... What was going on? "Come on, Sean," He croaked. "You should be usedta being alone by now."  
But it wasn't the loneliness, at least not completely. It was being away from _him._ Sean didn't want to admit it to himself, but in the back if his mind, he knew it was true. Mark was all he could think about; he missed him so much already, it was like a searing coldness in his chest that only hurt more when he remembered the awful way the two of them had said goodbye. Sean squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed them with the palm of his hands so hard he saw stars. "Stop crying, stop crying, you dumbass!" He reprimanded himself.  
Somewhere on his bed, his phone went off, signaling an incoming text. He groaned and felt around half-assed until his fingers finally felt the device and gripped it, bringing it up to his face and unlocking it so he could read the text. He stopped dead.  
It was Mark.  
"Hey!" The text read. "Wanna skype? :P"  
Sean wiped his eyes and replied quickly with, "sure!"  
Getting out of bed, he ran quickly to his computer and woke it up, opening Skype and waiting for Mark to- _brrring!_ Apparently, he'd been waiting, as well. Sean answered the video call and tried to surge as much happiness outward to keep Mark from questioning. But, when his friend's face popped up on screen, smiling and bright, he couldn't do it; tears ran down his cheeks and his smile faltered, lips trembling, thick eyebrows spooned. "Hi," He practically whispered. He looked down at his lap and closed his eyes.  
"Sean, are you okay? What's wrong?" Mark questioned, sounding concerned.  
Sean covered his countenance and shook his head. "I-it's fine, it's nothin'. Just-"  
"No, it's not. Come on buddy, you can talk to me."  
"NO, I _really_ can't." Sean glanced up briefly at the screen, sniffing. "Not about... not about this."  
On screen, Mark's face was all screwed up, his eyebrows dipped, mouth slightly open, eyes sad. "... What is it? Sean... please. I'm here for you."  
There was a loud sob from the Irishman, his hands shaking as they came up to cover his mouth. "I-I-I-" He attempted to speak. "I... I'm so lonely, man. I-I thought that I could.. cope, but..."  
There was silence for a moment before Sean continued. "I miss... you."  
More silence. "O-oh."  
Sean was cringing, his leg bouncing, hands clasped tightly in his lap. Past his watery eyes, he could see Mark rubbing at his own eyes, his other hand holding his glasses. "Uhm," He cleared his throat. "To be honest, I'm... I'm lonely, too. I know, I can't complain 'cause I'm close to friends, but..." He sighed, eyes closed. Sean could see his face reddening. "I wish we could've talked more. Been together more, you know?"  
Sean nodded slowly. "Yeah. There was so much I wanted to say to you."  
"Well," Mark rested his chin on his hand. "Say it to me now."  
A blush crept up onto Sean's cheeks. "Really?"  
"Yeah, why not?" Mark smiled, and Sean felt sunshine in his heart.  
"Ok, I'll try."  
A pause as Sean tried to work out how to say what he felt- it wasn't easy, but he found a way. "So, I've... I've looked up t'ya for a long time, like... You inspired me to start my channel, and you really... make me happy. Like really. I feel so, _wonderful_ inside just lookin' at you. You're such a great person, Mark, I can't really put in words how I feel about you, other than..." Sean chewed his bottom lip. "I love you."  
The seemingly endless moment of quiet made Sean's gut twist and his chest ache; he wanted to hide in a corner, refusing to look at the monitor. After some time, Mark finally spoke. "I didn't..." There was the sound of swallowing. "Sean, I don't know what to say."  
"That you don't hate me?" Sean tried to joke.  
Mark huffed an airy laugh. "I could never hate you,"  
Inside, Sean felt his heart swell, but then what Mark said next sent it crashing to the ground. "But I don't think of you that way. I love you, but as a friend. Ok?"  
Tears came pouring out of Sean's eyes, his entire body shivering and his throat closing up. 'This was a mistake, this was such a mistake.' Repeated over and over in his head until he couldn't take it any longer and yelled, "I'M SORRY!"  
The last thing he heard before he shut off his computer was Mark crying out for him, but he didn't wait; running out of his office, he stumbled halfway to his bedroom before collapsing in the doorway and wailing. 

+

It had been a week since Sean had confessed his love for Mark, and the half-Korean hadn't heard a word from him since. Not a peep on social media, not a single video, no texts, emails, nothing. Mark was seriously beginning to worry- he had no way of contacting Sean other than through electronics, and since Sean wasn't responding on any of those, he had no choice but to fly to Ireland to check on his friend.  
Mark really hadn't meant to hurt him, but he had to be honest with him about his feelings. He didn't want to come between Sean and his girlfriend, you know? The thought only made him feel worse, in light of the circumstances.  
Sighing, he pulled up in front of Sean's place and went up to his door, knocking on it lightly. He waited before knocking again, but after the third time, he tried the doorknob.  
Unlocked.  
A heavy feeling rested in the bottom of his stomach- it was almost painful. Mark steeled himself, and then opened the door, allowing it to swing slowly open to reveal the dark, quiet area within. "Hello?" He called. "Sean?"  
No response, so he entered tentatively, stepping as lightly as he could through the empty living room, kitchen, and office, until he heard a squishing sound under his foot in front of the last room in the hallway. He turned on the hallway light to find a dark stain on the carpet leading into the bedroom- distantly, he heard water running. "Sean? It's Mark!" He called louder, pushing the bedroom door open and walking inside. Creeping along, he made for the bathroom, stopping outside the door. "Sean? I'm coming in, ok?"  
Receiving no response, he went inside and... screamed. In the overflowing bathtub was _Sean,_ head under the water, just floating like a corpse beneath the waterline. Mark raced up to him and pulled him out of the tub, turning off the faucet and then beginning to resuscitate the Irishman. "Wake up! Wake up! Sean!!" Mark yelled, pushing on his chest, attempting CPR. "Sean!!"  
He kept pushing and huffing and breathing and pressing, for what felt like a thousand years, but Sean _wouldn't wake up._ "Please!" Mark yelled. "Please! Sean! Wake up!" He slammed his fists onto Sean's immobile chest until he grew too weak and nearly collapsed on top of the body beneath him. Tears dripped out of his eyes and onto Sean's dead body; he was too late. He was too late, and now Sean was gone. "I'm sorry... I-I'm so..." Mark stammered. "I didn't make it... Sean, please... Don't-don't leave me... I-I love you..." 

For the second time in Mark's life, someone died in his arms. 

_I thought to slip through the door, I could've entered the room,_ _I felt the burden of murder, it shook the earth to the core._  
_Felt like the world was collapsing. Then we heard him speak,_  
_"Can I still get into heaven if I kill myself?_  
_Can I still get into heaven if I kill myself?"_  
\- King Park by La Dispute

  



End file.
